Sadness

Sadness is something that I have avoided for years.  I was determined to keep sadness away because I did not want to slide down that slippery slope that would leave me depressed.  Sadness and anger went 'hand-in-hand' for me.  For my sad days, I had a list of strategies to help me through, so that I wouldn't feel hopeless.  Things such as quiet time with God, encouraging music, walks outside, healthy food, extra water, scripture and prayer time would be on my list.  Unfortunately, I found these strategies rather unappealing when I woke up with the burdensome feeling of sadness.  I often ditched the list in favor of shopping, eating out, coffee breaks or a book, which never helped and often left me feeling worse (wasted time really bothers me).  Over time, I learned from my experience and more often chose the 'good' strategies to help me get through the sad days.  What I remember most was a strong determination to 'get over' the sadness and not let it 'win'.

I acknowledged my sadness as being related to my girls' delining health and the increasing work load, but I didn't like this fact.  My girls' were special, a source of blessing and worth cherishing.  I did not want to see them as a source of sadness, and I certainly didn't want anyone else to have that view.  So, sadness became the enemy that I fought against.

Now, it is different.  I am allowed to be sad.  What a strange thing.

With the passing of Ashley and Hope, I somehow have permission to be sad without diminishing the value of my special girls.  So, this is new for me, and I'm trying to figure it out.  The sadness that I am feeling is a light, generalized feeling that kind of floats up and down around me in varying degrees of intensity.  It doesn't stop me from moving through my day, or loving my children or accomplishing the tasks that are set before me.  It's just a subtle awareness of my altered life which leaves me feeling fragile and tender.

When I acknowledge this sadness, I move a little slower and find myself gently reminded to give thanks for the blessings around me.  This is how I know that God is at work and I am not alone.  When I don't acknowledge it, I fall into the familiar cycle of fighting the sadness.  

This sadness is not scary for some reason, and it makes sense.  To name what I'm feeling is a really good starting point.  To trust God to walk me through that feeling, brings me to acceptance which is quickly followed by peace. 

What a remarkable thing!   So simple and yet I would not have been open to learning this lesson earlier.  I was just so focused on getting through each day.  I can't help but think that I (and my family) would have benefited from my learning this lesson sooner, but I'll accept the lesson now and endeavor to put it to good use.