Fine, perhaps I don't need to cry too much because I've been having 'moments' for 6.5 years. Really? Well, I read Karen's words about the couple months after Joel died. She spoke of the 'aching numbness' that came instead of the tears (not that she didn't cry at all but more tears came later). With that, I realized that I want to cry. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to feel nothing, I don't want to do well. This is finally my chance to cry without explaining myself, why can't I let loose?
It sounds a little simplistic, to say that I needed to give myself permission, but I did. But it's not just that. I also needed to release myself from others expectations (or what I imagine might be expected). I will cry when I'm ready and that might be next month, or next year or in a couple years. If people are uncomfortable with that, well I'll have to live with that. I hate making other people uncomfortable.
Then I had to realize that I would probably not have 'perfect' crying moments. Moments where I would be in a nice secluded spot with a good friend, who would know just what to say. If I am waiting for that...well...it might not happen. I might actually cry at church, like I did today. Or I might cry at the grocery store (so annoying). The important thing I realized is that I should never expect someone else to know just the right thing to say. I can think of many, many moments where I am sure I chose very wrong words when someone was grieving. Oh, my heart hurts to think of it.
As I sat outside, taking some time to let it sink in...I decided that I could choose to trust in Jesus with all my uncertainty. I can trust him with my insecurity. I can trust him with my worries. I can trust him when the tears come and trust him when the tears don't come. I am not alone, either way.
Turning back to thankfullness, I praise God for the blessing of Brodie and Mira.
4 comments:
yes, you can cry without explaining yourself or when those feelings are there.
the pictures of Mira and Brody are priceless. Love Ida
I heard a great quote today about grieving that made me think of you, Jolene:
"We'll cry for a long time, but not all the time".
I think this is fitting - the point, I believe, is that the process of grieving can be long, but is not necessarily constant. Good days are mixed with bad days, and each day will bring different feelings and reactions to them. We are thinking of you, Alex, Brodie and Mira. Take care.
Kristal
Very nicely written, Jolene. Grieving is so bizarre. We all grieve so differently and it is not a steady feeling either. It comes and goes in waves...sometimes you can feel ok, and in the next moment (and often at the most inopportune times), it knocks you over. Don't let anyone ever tell you how you should be grieving. We all must walk this lonely road in our own timing. Would love to have a coffee with you sometime...when you are ready...
AGAIN, I have not experienced your pain, but just this Sun. a pastor shared his experience of trying to move the darkness, after he lost a child: he said the same thing that you shared "it is in the (thanksgiving) that he gained power and the darkness lifted.
Brenda K.
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