Remembering

Today it has been one month since Ashley died.  What a strange thing...to have a child that is not here.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel and sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm not very good at 'feeling', because I actually don't cry very much and I don't feel horrible. 

It's hard to believe that she's actually died and gone to heaven.  Perhaps I have a really strong protective mechanism that stops me from thinking about it.  Or perhaps I grieved for so long, that the cup of grieving has very little left in it.  Does that mean I didn't love her enough while she was here?  But I know that I loved her, and I put a lot of effort into caring for her in the best way I knew how.  Am I feeling okay, because I accepted her death a long time ago?  It wasn't a shock to us, like it could be in another situation.  Perhaps, it is the Grace of God.  It has nothing to do with my strength and everything to do with His!

I've had an ongoing thought that has helped me understand myself and this process.  This journey reminds me of climbing a mountain (although I have never climbed a mountain).  As we climb this mountain we have experienced some setbacks, some struggles, lack of energy and sometimes it feel like we won't make it, but we've persevered.  With Ashley's death, I feel that we've reached the summit.  We've carried her as far as we could and now we can let God take her the rest of the way.  It feels like a victory and we can breath a sigh of relief, knowing that we did not fall down the side of the mountain, or leave our children behind, or even leave each other as we struggled.  God is smiling down on us, as we feel the cool crisp air, and become aware that our arms are now holding three children...instead of four.  The top of that mountain is a beautiful place.

Now, I was thinking that I would get a little rest as we carefully moved down the mountain, but I was surprised when I realized that we are not done.  We may have reached the summit of one mountain, but it was hiding the next mountain and we will have to continue our journey with Hope.  Thankfully, this mountain has a more defined path, and we can use the lessons we learned as we climbed before.  It is not a bad thing to continue on this journey and our steps are more sure now because we have come closer to God.


I was looking for photos of Ashley and wondering what I could share on this day of remembering.  I can't believe that I have no new photos to share, and yet, how could I?  She isn't here.  Well, this is what I have to realize isn't it?!  So, I returned to the 2009 photos, and went to April, where I could find Ashley in her pretty Easter dress.  I remember thinking how cute that dress would look on a little girl who could walk, and now I'm crying...because of course, Ashley is walking now!