Being present!

For Christmas, Alex gave me a very thoughtful gift.  He disregarded my practical list of wants (ie. cookie sheets, new pillows, electric jug kettle) and found me a digital photo frame.  But he didn't leave it at that!  He took the time to install all of our photos of Ashley and Hope onto the memory card, along with a 'Title Slide'.  When I opened the gift, I was able to plug it in and watch the memories slide by.  It has been wonderful, and tearful.  Yesterday, I cried, and cried and cried (and I'm sure Alex was second-guessing his choice), but I was still glad to have the gift.  It is an amazing thing to have such a thoughtful husband.

Today, we watched old video of Ashley and Hope as babies, and I am soooo happy.  We have so many wonderful memories.  It is so good to be reminded of all the good effort we made to create memories with the girls.  It is good to see the times we spent playing with Brodie while Ashley smiled and Hope coo'd.  It is good to remember that it wasn't always hard and difficult and stressful.  Oh yes, it is very good.  Today I feel at peace with my memories of Hope and Ashley, but I still have trouble believing that they are gone and no new memories will ever be made.

As I watch the photos drift by on my new digital frame, I am realizing something.  When I took pics in the past, I always aimed for a nice photograph.  I tried to catch a pretty smile, or a 'look' that I wanted to remember, or maybe set the child up in a position that looked 'normal'.  Now, I find myself disregarding those pics in favor of the shots that show love.  When I see someone holding one of my children with a tender look, or gazing at one of them, or just attempting to hold the girls even though it was awkward, then I smile.  I love seeing that the girls were loved.  Isn't that what life come down too?  It's simply all about loving!

I know I've been struggling with thoughts of failure, as I remember how busy it was last year.  I felt like I didn't get the chance to love because I busied myself too much.  But isn't that how a mom of four kids is likely to feel at some point?  Obviousely, I need to cut myself some slack, and 'yes', I know that's what you've all been encouraging me to recognize, but I needed to find that truth on my own.  Today, after watching the video's and enjoying the slideshow, I finally knew that I did have my priorities straight pretty often.  Showing love and choosing to act with love is what has brought me the most happy memories. 

Activities and pretty clothes and a nicely decorated room?   Well, those things mean nothing now, after the death of one's child.  Because my best memories come with the photos where I was looking at my child and just enjoying the moment.  I wasn't troubling myself about something in the past, or concentrating on what I would get ready for supper, I was just present with my child.

Life happens in the present, and meaning is found in the present, not the past or the future.  It's a powerful thing to recognize that you need to be present with your child and love them right now.  It changes how I interact with Brodie and Mira and I really hope I never forget this lesson.