Emotions

Something we learned in counselling is that one needs to continue processing a thought or emotion till you reach reality.  That's how I remember the lesson anyway.  We can't take a fear and just stay fearful, we need to think beyond it.  When we were pregnant and worried about having another sick baby, we needed to acknowledge that it would be hard, that we might be upset, and then recognize that we would move past that to acceptance, just as we had with our other sick children.  To be stuck on the feeling of upset that we would experience, would leave us in a constant state of fear and tension.

I think the same is true, when we process something in the past.  As I walk through each 'first' and remember last year, I will have to acknowledge all my feelings, and only then can I move on.  It is not a bad thing, and talking about these hard emotions, does not mean I'm not coping.  I need to talk a lot, and right now it's all about the 'horrible feelings'.  This does not diminish the beauty and blessing of Ashley and Hope's life.  I am presently recognizing and acknowledging how hard it felt (the tension, the stressful ups and downs, the horror of watching your child die slowly in front of you, and the helplessness).  It was a horrible situation. How can it not be, when you're watching your children die.


Think of teething. When Alex hears about someone's child teething, he jumps in and shares how awful it was when Brodie was teething. He talks about the crying, and the sleepless nights and the fussyness that wouldn't stop no matter what we did. He remembers it as a horrible stage, but it doesn't change the fact that he loved Brodie then, just as much as he does now. Every parent has a memory like that, and most need the opportunity to talk about it, to acknowledge it, and then bring themselves back to reality...and that's when you remember the fact that you survived it.
My horrible memories of watching my children die, started at the Brandon Christmas last year. Looking back you can see very clearly where the decline really began (Palliative Care always told me this would be the case). When you're in it, you work hard, and smile and hope for another peaceful time to come to your family because complaining about it doesn't get you much sympathy or make you feel any better.

But now? Now I remember the reality and although I did have wonderful cuddles, and there were definitely some peaceful moments, the reality is that we were dealing with one crisis after another. The girls took turns getting sicker, and I was still caring for a newborn and trying to make life normal for Brodie. Do you know how stressful it is to cancel your sons birthday party three times and then have to say that you just don't know when you'll be able to do it, because your other dying children are too sick, making it impossible to stick to a plan. The reality is that I was very, very, very stressed and tired. The reality is that I had given up in a lot of areas around here, and was just surviving at that point. If you didn't live here, you wouldn't know it, but my respite workers saw it, and coped with it.

Here's the point. If someone said to Alex, "Oh, it wasn't that bad (the teething), I remember Brodie smiling when I saw him.", wouldn't you wonder how the person could be so insensitive? Because there is no way, that that person experienced the whole reality of the teething episode, and Alex's memories should be acknowledged. When his remembering is acknowledged and listened to, Alex is supported. When his memories are contradicted then he's left with a feeling of being mis-understood, and then he shuts down, and shares no more. If you want to be supportive, you ask questions and try to understand, which gives the individual the outlet he/she needs. Processing emotions involves a few steps, and one of them is in the re-living of the emotion, but it's important not to get stuck there. Once we talk through that difficult emotion or experience, then we can remember that we also survived it, which brings us to the present.

Personally, I need to talk a lot to process what I've experienced, and that's why I'm grateful to those of you who support me as I continue to write.  It is such a good thing.  Especially because I can post on the blog whenever I want, right when the emotions start to flow, or when I have a moment of clarity that I want to share...like today.

That being said, I want everyone to know that my grieving and processing happen in nice little bursts, that are interuppted by happy moments with Brodie and Mira.  So, you don't have to worry that I'm sitting here dwelling on negative stuff.  I just dump the negative stuff right here on the blog, and then move on, unless I have more thinking to do.

Mira is presently walking all over the place and babbling. She's so cute.